Long time ago there was a girl who hated fatty foods. Her name was Anne skinners. She liked to wear skinny jeans and anything that made her look skinny. Her dinner was half a tick tack and she drank 50 millimeters a day. Her parents feared that one day she would die of dehydration or too little food. Her favorite thing to eat was puffer fish which was also poisonous. She ate one piece of puffer fish every 3 years. Whenever she woke up, she woke up with an aching stomach. Her stomach was 4 inches wide and she thought she needed to get thinner. Her parents got so worried that they tried to trick her to eat something. They bribed their daughter with money to make her eat. She decided to eat a bit more so she started to eat 5 puffer fish every month. For their parents it still wasn’t enough so they bribed her with more money. She was getting pretty rich because she was eating a small amount of food. She started to eat 10 pieces of puffer fish a day. Tomorrow was picture day at school so she started to buy all the pretty clothe she could find. She bought a bunch of skinny jeans that were size xxxxxxs. Their parents were not satisfied so while their daughter was sleeping, they put in all the fatty food in the world. When she woke up she went to school but noticed that most of her clothes didn’t fit her so she decided to change at school. When it was her turn to take a picture, she was about to change when she noticed that her clothes were about to explode. She decided that it would hold until the picture so she just left to take a picture. She was about to take the picture when she saw her reflection on the camera, she screamed…………………
About Me
Sunday, August 22, 2010
'The Scream"
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3 comments:
The topic is narrow and manageable because it is about a girl who does eat much and thinks she has to get more skinny. The writer has difficulty going from general observations to specifics. Support about the girl's appearance is attempted, but the only information was the girl being skinny. The part of eating puffer fish was OK except you didn't try to show how the parents bribed their girl or tried to trick her into eating fatty food while sleeping. Details about her eating, her wearing, and in school are not enough. The readers would want more showing details, not just a telling story.
I agree with Ribby. The topic is very narrow and manageable, but I believe you need to add more details. You never explained how skinny the girl was, how she looked when she was taking the photo, and such. Add more details and I believe it could be a great story.
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